The ‘Have-To’ Dilemma: Living for Others or Yourself?
Most of us spend decades doing what we’re expected to do—until we realize we’ve forgotten what we actually want.
There’s a moment when retirement approaches and people say, “Now I’ll finally do what I want.” But why wait? The truth is, most of us dress up when we’d rather stay casual, work late to impress the boss, attend boring events, and compromise relationships to keep others happy. One small gesture becomes habit, and suddenly we’ve lived a lifetime for everyone but ourselves.
Why do we do this? Several powerful forces drive us. We seek satisfaction by pleasing those we admire. We chase acceptance from groups we want to belong to. We crave acknowledgement and adjust our behavior for praise. We pursue rewards and promotions through networking. We act out of fear—avoiding criticism and punishment. We feel obligated to pay back those who’ve helped us. And we conform to norms rather than stand out.
Ask yourself: Are these expectations real or imagined? Do others actually pressure you, or are you hardest on yourself? How much energy do you spend masquerading as someone else? It’s exhausting.
Consider this: Real friends accept you as you are. Great organizations reward performance, not politics. You must live with yourself forever—don’t compromise your principles for temporary approval.
The solution isn’t selfish—it’s essential. As W. Clement Stone wrote, “You always do what you want to do.” Every choice is ultimately yours. Start by knowing your values, establishing priorities, and managing others’ expectations. Believe in yourself.
When you do, you’ll pursue what you love rather than being hijacked by others’ needs. You’ll meet your own standards instead of seeking constant validation. And you’ll give generously while still reserving happiness for yourself.
Don’t wait until retirement to live for you. As George Bernard Shaw warned, “Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.” Choose wisely—today.
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